Love Like the Movies Make you Want to Love
Movies will make us believe that love is a cruise down easy street, where more flowers show up every day, engraved hearts show up on more of our trees, where hearts grow fonder and each little character nuance become more charming and charming with each moment spent with our lover.
Is this true? Have you ever found this?
I believe this is only one half of the equation of love. These represent the good days when cloud 9 is hitting with a soft, comforting hand, waltzing lazily down the murmuring streets with gaiety.
The truth? Try have a discussion about bank accounts or children or the future or making that sacrifice or having some questionable friends over or downsizing or making conscious changes. See how fuzzy thy heart still beats. Still on cloud nine?
I hope so.
But chances are, at least one of those things will strike an angry, emotional, or tempered chord that will far outbalance all the other happy lovey things you’ve been doing up there on cloud 9.
The Truth of Love
The truth is that love requires positivity and respect and an unceasing willingness and effort to dive off the deep end, even though you’re scared out of your shivvies of what lurks beneath. And further, not only does love require this of you, it requires you to have an ongoing awareness of this so that you begin to check yourself before a new habit of dis-respect or dis-trust forms.
Truth is, its going to hurt sometimes. Love is not easy. Nothing worth having ever comes easy. and the reason it hurts is because when you fall off of cloud 9 it’s not pleasant.
No, the truth of love should not be built upon fuzzy dreams of leisure. The truth of love should be solidified with the physical actions of life.
It’s Not Just Loving Yourself
Love in a relationship is more then just how much you can sacrifice, how much you can turn a blind eye, how much you can keep the faith. That’s one sided blind love that’s more fit for your favorite band or pair of shoes: even though your favorite band may try to explore a new direction you’re not so sure about, you got to love them so much that you’re going to join them on that journey.
That’s what favorites are, and sure, love in a relationship should have a bit of this in it. After all, you did pick that partner because they’re your favorite, didn’t you?
The unexplainable happens sometimes as growth naturally progresses, and this almost always, unchecked, creates animosity in relationships. Nostalgia, it’s a thing. As humans, it’s inevitable that we grow at different rates. This is our uniqueness, our special secret code of humanness. To steal the old yogic wisdom: There are many paths, there is only one way.
The problem here is that self love works. Self love works because we make a habit of loving ourselves more and more and more until we love ourselves so much we can’t help but feel happy and excited to be alive. However, self love is not partnership love, though it is very related. Showering our partner with more and more love without first off having a discussion about the growing discontent will nurture guilt, resent, self disrespect, and blindness.
You got to listen to that lover!
Think of this analogy. Think of yourself standing at bat, waiting to hit the ball coming at you. You swing and miss. So, you wait again for the next ball, except this time you swing harder and quicker and with much more energy invested. Swing – miss. Sure, try investing more violent passion in the next strike, you only get one more!
“We are deceiving ourselves if we think that only the violent passions, such as ambition and love, can conquer the others. Laziness, sluggish though it is, often manages to dominate them; it wrests from us all of life’s plans and deeds, where it imperceptibly destroys and devours the passions and virtues alike.” ~ Francois de La Rochefoucauld
What I’m trying to point out here is that in a relationship, love isn’t just about loving yourself, or about how much your partner loves themselves, or about how much confidence you can build up in your partner – all very important things in themselves. No, love in a relationship is about how much love is flowing back and forth between you and your partner.
Are you listening? You got to listen to that lover of yours. They’re speaking.
(and yes, this means that if you’re partner is telling you they’re listening, you’ve got to speak to them with the honesty of that deep end.)
Beautiful post, I really appreciate the idea of mediocrity being an enemy of growth. Just accepting things being average is not enough – we can always be aiming on a growth curve.
Sure, we can always be aiming on growth. That is perhaps a successful strategy. Is growth also strengthening? Maybe. Is mediocrity the same as content? Perhaps. I also like to think of things like respect, honesty, and I think what you’re pointing at is also putting in the effort to grow that bond. Good luck out there, Bren. 🙂